I went into a dressing room without crying yesterday. In fact, it was fun! And I was only limited by the fact that I don’t have more than $50 to spend on frivolities. I don’t know how to express how joyous it was to go into a dressing room with actual CHOICES. To not be disgusted by what I saw in the mirror. Yeah, yeah, self-esteem and all that– but truth be told, I’ve been legitimately FAT and it’s horrible. Nobody can say anything to you that you haven’t already beaten yourself up about a million times before. Even as a chubby adolescent, dressing rooms were torture chambers of tears. I was never the scrawny, cartwheel-turning kid. I liked to read books and binge-eat candy and snacks. I was active, sure (I used to take private tennis lessons at three different clubs)– but my natural impulse has always been to eat and lay around. I have never been able to find a pair of jeans that fit correctly, let alone the luxury of just “throwing on” a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Always some kind of muffin-top to worry about– doesn’t matter how loose the t-shirt is. Horrible, horrible.
In my 20s, I abused prescription diet pills and energy drinks something awful. I always lost and gained back the same 20-30lbs. Or I’d go into cardio crazytown and take my ex’ Adderall and see how many months it would take me to burn out (about 6). That resulted in the most epic weight gain in the history of my existence. I gained 60 lbs over the next 6 months. Mainly owing to Costco-sized jars of Nutella and a spoon. And an obviously unhealthy obsession with Big Boy’s Brownie Hot Fudge Sundaes. And fast food. McDonald’s breakfast sandwiches were a daily thing. I think I was also rebelling against my brief stint (while dating and being married to my ex) with veganism.
Anyway, I’ve pretty much been battling that 60 lbs since 2009– when I decided to crawl out of my padded purgatory. I was so unhappy. It really wasn’t until 2010 that changes started to show (at 5’4 and 211+ lbs– it takes a while before anyone can tell you’ve lost any weight. It wasn’t until I got into the 160s that people even mentioned anything, which was kind of a bummer. A 50lb weight loss is no joke).
Right now I’m 5’4″ and holding steady at 149.8lbs. I lose 1-3 lbs a month. It’s not really important to me, that number. But the fact that I’m able to eke into a size 6 and wear (occasionally) Smalls (smalls! me! I still don’t believe it)– is so exciting.
October 2009. Just call me “Pat.”