Tag Archives: humor

“But if you don’t… I have a will already made.”

Letter I wrote to my mom when I was 10-years old. I had just been punished, most likely for mouthing off or being sassy. I’m laying it on real thick…

“May 28, 1991

Dear Mom,

Please tuck me in. You don’t have to. But if you don’t… I have a will already made on back.

[on back]
P.S. I wish you’d hug, and kiss and hold me.

-bed set to Julie
-T.V. toAnnie

You can separate rest to all my 5th graders.”

[on another sheet]

“Things to Do:

1. Be responsible (fold clothes, ext.)
2. Never let anger boil up when grown ups are around.
3. Don’t be sassy or smart talk.”



Conversations With My Father

In office this morning.

Me: Oh, how horrible! A man put 3-day old beagles in a plastic bag to die.

Dad: That’s nothing. I put 5-day old bagels in a bag & ate one.

Me: Beltone, dad.


This man also frequently sticks knives into toasters, even when the toaster is plugged in & on fire.

“Oh, that Brenda!”

Everybody in our office thinks Brenda ought to have her own TV show called “Oh, that Brenda!”

If nothing else, she coins new words & makes interesting (to say the least) twists on old adages. We’re often left either laughing or scratching our heads (or both).

Here is a sampling:

Chester: chest of drawers, bureau.

Vending Machine: ventilator

Coronary transplant: cornea

Dolla’ Sto’: dollar store

Credick: credit

Cock an attitude: cop an attitude

Pisstivity: ??? (we think it is a magnitude of pissed-offedness)

“Don’t be choicey/ beggars can’t be choicey.”

“He don’t know me from Adam’s crabapple.”

Cock a squat: cop a squat

“Don’t go climbing all over the mountain trying to build a molehill.”

“You look like the rat who ate the canary.”

Coppertone: carpal tunnel syndrome

Catherine: catheter

My bag: my bad

“Don’t pop your panties over it.”

Muffin/muffler: muff

Cartridge: cartilage

“Kings and queens is out the deck.” (think this means “a couple pineapples short of a fruit salad.)

“I got a hickey on my head.” (She had a bruise on her forehead. She thought that a welt is the same thing as a hickey and was tickled to death over the true meaning of the word)

Diddle-deeder: dildo

Brenda: “It’s called ‘tim-sham.'”
[blank looks on everyone’s faces]
Ralph: “Uh… Brenda, it’s called ‘flim-flam.'”

Brehfiss: breakfast

“I had some catfish in my pocket.”

Brenda’s 1st date advice: A peck on the cheek and “don’t pop your panties.”

Brenda’s 2nd date advice: same as the first.

“… And mama’s other sister died of cervix.” me: “what?” Brenda: “cervix.” me: “you mean cervical cancer?” Brenda: “yeah. That.”

(talking about my squeaky chair)
Brenda: “put some oil on it or stop moving!”
Me: “what?”
Brenda: “put some W2 on it!”
Me: “huh?”
Brenda: “W2!!”
Me: “Oh! You mean WD-40.”

Discumbobbled: discombobulated.

Beauregarded: flustered, discumbobbled.

Brenda just baffled everyone by saying she was going to “eat me some whiteys.”
She meant whitefish.

Cooking with grass: cooking with gas.

NeoSPOLIN: Neosporin

Magnets: maggots. (Seriously)

“Aunt Belle always said, ‘Shoot first, ask questions later. And she should know– she shot her husband three times. Three different times.'”

(to me) “What, you can’t talk & chew bubblegum at the same time?”

*New* 8/9/10

Talking about a woman she saw on John R: “I told Norreese: ‘Damn! That woman ugly! She look like one of them flying monkeys!'”